Ouch....someone call the back-stabbing police

In my life, there have been one or two times that someone close to me has really stuck in the knife and twisted.... granted, I choose my friends wisely, and it doesn't happen often. But when it does, I'm not sure if I should be angry, or just feel foolish.

I'm thinking angry. I like to be angry. Sometimes it just feels good to get a good rage going, as long as it stays under control, and stays internal. Give yourself a mental target for all of your current frustrations. And when someone takes advantage of my good-nature (yeah yeah, I know, slight exaggeration) it just steams me.

And then of course they expect met to forgive and forget. And that's the problem. I've got a memory like an elephant. I may not remember what I ate for lunch, but I still remember the boy who uninvited me to a 6th grade boy-girl party. And I remember exactly why I'm still not talking to one of my bridesmaids. I remember exactly how methodically and deliberately one of my first employers set about forcing the entire staff to quit so he wouldn't have to fire them. I remember the two girls in summer camp who thought holding the cabin door open when we were changing would be a riot. There are FB people I won't friend because I remember exactly what they were like in High School.
I just never forget.

Now, in all fairness, occasionally I forgive. Rare, but it happens. My best friend and I didn't speak to each other for two months in high school. By that time, we'd both forgotten why, so, we forgave. Still friends. I forgive my kids for one thing or another almost daily. My husband too. Forgiveness is really a good thing, and I wish I could do it more. My friend, we'll call him Rabbi Steve (yes, Steve, that's you) would probably tell me to forgive more. And he'd have some very convincing reasons. But there's this little part of me that just needs to hang on to that grudge just a little longer. And when it's family putting the screws to you, it's just that much worse. You start to think to yourself after all we've done? This is how we're treated?

Right now I'm angry. A family member broke a promise. which potentially may cost my family financially, not to mention the hurt it inflicted. So I'm angry and I'm going to stay angry. Sure it's unproductive, but hey, I'm human.  I'm just not ready to forgive the transgressions of someone that I once called friend. Sure I will wait until I can calmly judge the situation, and then move on from it. But will I forget? Not likely. Will I ever forgive? Can't say. If I do, it'll be a long long time from now.

Wow. I feel better already. Who knew? Blogging must be the latest in Anger Management therapy!

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