Showing posts from April, 2011

turn it off

OK. Now no more excuses. Here are some excellent ways to occupy yourself on a Sunday Night without turning on Idiot Apprentice. Unless of course lining the Duck's pockets with your hard earned money is your idea of a good time.

So. It's Sunday Night. If you're lucky, you have to work on Monday. Best not to stray too far from home. So what could be more fun than Celebrity HooHah?
1) Trim your toenails and give your partner a break from all those scratches.
2) Give your pet a pedicure. Same reason
3) Give your pet a bath. Cheaper than air freshener.
4) Give your kids a bath. Same reason
5) Read something. War and Peace maybe.
6) Pay bills.
7) Invite your in-laws over.
8) Enter the forbidden zone...your teenager's room...and tell them to clean it up.
9) Write that will you've been putting off, well, all your adult life.
10) Clean the fridge. Penicillin was discovered already.

Any of these activities are, in fact, more entertaining and more palatable than Celebrity Dic…


10 reasons why we should support Trump's political aspirations:

1) He's filed for bankruptcy 3 times and yet major banks still lend him money. Obviously he's used to having enormous debt and not bothering to pay it back.
2) He tried to evict a little old lady in Atlantic City to build a limousine waiting area for a casino, evidence of a clear understanding of eminent domain. Imagine what he could do with the constitution!
3) Obviously he shares our pain during economic downturns. He knows what it's like to lose everything. Again. And Again. And Again.
4) He's living proof that GLH formula works. Obviously a boost to the American Male Psyche.
5) He has his own TV show. With former celebrities and aspiring celebrities. Just no actual real-time ones. Thus the term Apprentice.
6) We need our own royal wedding in the White House. And with his track record, wife number 4 can't be too far down the road.
7) Caricature artists will finally have the perfect model. Alfred…

Vegas. Where you can see the world, from the 34th floor.

So another Vegas work trip comes to an end, and I am once again able to reflect on the true soul of life in America.

Seriously. I have never in my life seen such ridiculous excess. And I'm not referring to the hotels lavish public restrooms or indoor tropical jungles. Not even the 70 foot limos. Or the hotel suite larger than my house. I'm talking strictly about the people. Thousands and thousands of tourists flock to Vegas. Daily. Each for their own reasons. 

But stand still for a few moments, and just start looking around. There's the petite 80 year old with the snow white Dolly Parton wig. Accompanied by Jed Clampett in the flesh.
The leggy brunette with blond extensions, a skin tight mini red dress and 7" spike heels. Just screams escort. But perhaps that's just the Vegas style trend. There's the rotund, cigar smoking gentleman in the zoot suit, black bowler hat and Orbison shades strutting through the casino with his entourage. 

Anyone remember Flo? From Mel…

Funny Economics

Ya know I never should have spent so much time sleeping during Econ 101. For years I thought the free market system, capitalism, drove competition, which drove down prices, and when it's working, drove up profits.

I was wrong, as Congressman Jack Kingston so clearly pointed out. Now I can't edit this, so please just scroll ahead to minute 5:00 and watch and learn.

It seems in the GOP world, competition drives PROFIT down. Wait, I think that may be true! So by privatizing Medicare we won't be boosting profits, we'll be limiting them. That's the Ryan plan. Over the next 75 years we will eliminate the deficit. And drive corporate America into the Red hole. Very nice Senator Ryan. But not making a whole lot of Republican sense. Something seems amiss.

Now I'm sure Kingston misspoke. He couldn't possibly be that uneducated or uninformed. He's a Congressman. So that requires a brain. Or maybe not. Maybe he didn't mean it to be factual. Maybe it was a Kylis…

I'm not a reporter, but...

This is just the worst kind of journalism. Now I'm not a fan of the Daily Beast. It's like the National Enquirer on steroids with a flimsy mask of respectability. And now that they own Newsweek, that too has become kind of a second-hand outlet for them. Though admittedly I did cancel my subscription when my copy with the name Karl Rove on the cover arrived, feeling more like a weekly ad circular than a news magazine. For some reason I take news more seriously when it's presented as news, and not the latest deal for your septic tank.

Nuf about that. Back to the shoddy journalism. An article about Google's alleged plan to introduce Cloud Music. And how it will change our world.
Here it is. What's wrong with this article?

Cloud Music is already here. At Amazon, complete with all the tools and infrastructure. It's not a "head in the clouds" kind of idea. Pardon the pun. Yet this author is writing about how IF Google introduces this it will change everythin…

This is my country....

Come on...sing it with me... This is my country, land of my Birth! Oh wait, tell that to the Donald as he sends his "investigators" down to Hawaii to dig up the real deal on our President's birth.
Talk about conspiracy theories.... they actually placed a phony birth notice back in 1961 in the local paper because they knew when he was born he was destined to be President. Wow. In case you missed it, here's Bill Cosby's take on the situation.

This is my Country. Where Bristol Palin is the first unwed teen mother to earn $250,000.00 preaching abstinence. Something she is uniquely qualified to talk about. Tell that to all the other single teen moms out there just trying to survive. Better yet, let's start a speakers' bureau for them.

John Boehner is trying to figure out whether shutting down our nation will help him, or harm him, politically speaking. Buddy, listen up. When Karl Rove and Mike Huckabee tell you to shut up and close the deal...they probably kno…

lose a congressman, save a baby

Some more fuzzy math. And this time all sides take the blame. A non-partisan parody if you will.

Fact: We can take very good care of a child, from birth to 18, for the same amount we spend on a congressional paycheck for one year.

Now technically the congressman's salary is $174,000. But in actuality, if you add in all the perks and extras it's about 1.5 million. So if we lose the congressman, maybe out in the woods somewhere, theoretically we can raise 10 children. Or more.

For 18 years. And we'll only leave the Rep out in the woods for one.

But wait! There's more. Act now and we can take all 435 house members and all 100 senators out on a camping trip. With no compass. During that little government shutdown. Sorry those non-essential park employees are on furlough, so no rescue in sight. We'll pick you up in one year.

In the meantime, thousands of babies will be selected for our new "lose a congressman save a baby" program. Simply letting our congress g…

By invitation only

Here's the deal. We're going to have a party. A Tea Party. But it's not an open invitation. To attend you must be qualified. And let's use our own Tea Party standards, shall we?

The 2012 Tea Party I'm hosting is about being an American Blue Blood. About having the right to take back our nation. Those invited will be at the forefront of our political destiny, with the historical and moral credibility to do so. 

That means, you must a) have arrived on the Mayflower or earlier, or, b) been born in one of the original 13 colonies, or c) descended from one of the above or in special cases, descended from one of the founding families. Or Married to someone who is.
And that marriage better be sacred, no hypocritical adulterers allowed.

Otherwise, you are not a Tea Partier. You are a Tea Bagger. You go around blowing hot air into little pouches and stuffing them full of dried-up funky tasting leaves. Then you offer it up like a snake oil salesman. Drink this. It'll cure…

It's back. Fuzzy Math 101

Senator Ryan wants to take the Medicare program and turn it on it's ear. You see Medicare spends billions to care for seniors. But thanks to economy of scale, blackmail and a little reverse lobbying, those billions are pennies on the dollar from what we mere citizens would pay privately. He wants to give us those pennies...and let us buy our own care.

Granted the government doesn't spend wisely when it comes to Medicare. There are incredible redundancies, particularly in administrative costs. Nevertheless, they don't pay what we would.

For those who failed Fuzzy Math 101. Here's a refresher. Hypothetically.... I negotiate a deal with the guy who drives the ice cream truck to sell everything half price in my neighborhood. And I would pay the tab for everyone.

Now one day I decide I can't afford that anymore, but it's been going on so long, the kids would stage a revolution on me if I stopped it. So, instead, I give each child the same amount I paid the Ice Cream…