lose a congressman, save a baby

Some more fuzzy math. And this time all sides take the blame. A non-partisan parody if you will.

Fact: We can take very good care of a child, from birth to 18, for the same amount we spend on a congressional paycheck for one year.

Now technically the congressman's salary is $174,000. But in actuality, if you add in all the perks and extras it's about 1.5 million. So if we lose the congressman, maybe out in the woods somewhere, theoretically we can raise 10 children. Or more.

For 18 years. And we'll only leave the Rep out in the woods for one.

But wait! There's more. Act now and we can take all 435 house members and all 100 senators out on a camping trip. With no compass. During that little government shutdown. Sorry those non-essential park employees are on furlough, so no rescue in sight. We'll pick you up in one year.

In the meantime, thousands of babies will be selected for our new "lose a congressman save a baby" program. Simply letting our congress go home for awhile. Take a break. We've just cut 800 million from the budget for just one year, and ensured thousands of fun-filled worry-free childhoods for 18 years.

We'll allow substitutions. So everyone may apply for the temporary job of congress. For 1 year. No pay. But it's only part time. Just pop in every so often and cast a vote. Hey vote online. So you can keep your day job.

You won't need a staff to brew your coffee and read those pesky bills for you. You can do it yourself. Whoa. Scary thought. Would someone really draft a 1,000 page piece of legislation if they didn't have someone else doing all the work? It's the little things. Like research. Writing. Reading. Checking for loopholes. Please. Never happen. Legislation would go from 10 volumes of crap to 10 pages. No last minute completely unrelated blabber filled amendments.

My sister, who in all fairness is somewhat biased, says I don't understand. No way can our elected officials read all that stuff. And make their own coffee. Or Tea. So I say, there's too much stuff. If they can't handle the workload they themselves created, they need a vacation. A long one. For the long winded.

Case in point. Here is the Declaration of Independence. An official document severing our ties with Great Britain. Establishing our independence. 1337 words.

The constitution? somewhere around 4,000 words. Recent legislation? averaging 300,000 words.

We were able to declare our independence and set up a democracy with less than 6,000 words. And we can't address anything today with less than 100,000.

And those two most cherished documents gave us Freedom. Dignity. Equality. A sense of right and wrong in our society. Democracy! Representation!

So I'm a little fed up with the crap in DC. Representation? Hardly. Now I know you all know I was going to mention this, there's a little known loophole in our law that says if government shuts down, congress gets paid anyway. The other 800,000 federal workers? Not so much. And it's not a Republican versus Democrat battle here. It's the selfish boors vs. the high and mighty. Though somehow I don't think this one will pass the smell test.

And why, when every majorly successful business in the world uses teleconferencing, does our government have to meet in DC more than a few times a year. Why do we have to pay for airfare and expenses? Why do we have to pay them enough to live in an insanely expensive city? Distancing themselves from their constituents? And why don't they care?

If the Federal Government shuts down this weekend, let's arrange a road trip. Since it's so important for Congress to convene, face to face, in the same location (now everyone roll your eyes) I think Congress should convene in Yellowstone. A few tents. A few cases of Spam. A scouting handbook. We'll see how they fare over the next year. See if they can't agree on a sensible budget. If it works, we can send them back for a reunion tour every year. Maybe they'll find a way to get parks and rec workers back on the job.

Our government is broken. Our budget is crazy. We need to step into the 21st century and run our government the way good businesses run their ships. The good ones respect their employees and their customers. They are ethically and morally responsible. They are accountable. They make sound fiscal decisions. And at the end of the day, they don't care which shoe goes on first, or who you voted for. There's no room for partisanship in business. Our Federal Government is a business. So lose the attitude.

What we have right now are ideologues. Nothing more. With no credentials for running a billion, nay, trillion dollar enterprise. Many are lawyers. Born to argue. Others are simply Born to Run. It's time to move on and create a new system. One that puts citizens before power and morality before greed. Yeah. Not holding my breath either.

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