By invitation only

Here's the deal. We're going to have a party. A Tea Party. But it's not an open invitation. To attend you must be qualified. And let's use our own Tea Party standards, shall we?

The 2012 Tea Party I'm hosting is about being an American Blue Blood. About having the right to take back our nation. Those invited will be at the forefront of our political destiny, with the historical and moral credibility to do so. 

That means, you must a) have arrived on the Mayflower or earlier, or, b) been born in one of the original 13 colonies, or c) descended from one of the above or in special cases, descended from one of the founding families. Or Married to someone who is.
And that marriage better be sacred, no hypocritical adulterers allowed.

Otherwise, you are not a Tea Partier. You are a Tea Bagger. You go around blowing hot air into little pouches and stuffing them full of dried-up funky tasting leaves. Then you offer it up like a snake oil salesman. Drink this. It'll cure what ails you...and our country.

So, Michelle Bachmann, sorry. You can't come. You just don't have the pedigree. Impersonating Joe McCarthy is not a qualification.
Mr. Donald Trump. Being a member of Hair Club for Men does not gain you entry.
Sorry Haley Barbour. Not happening. We just don't have any room for racist rednecks who suddenly denounce their own revisionist history.

Ron Paul: Nope. You talk a good game, but your ancestral roots are a bit too shallow. And I'm not so sure you won't swap places with your son in some sort of magic trick.

Tim Pawlenty: I'm not so sure you actually have ancestors. You may be descended from those alien visitors they talk about on the History Channel. We just need more proof.

Newt Gingrich.  Are you related to the Eye of Newt used by all those witches your ancestors hunted in Salem? You could be coming to the party, but that nasty little hypocritical adulterer clause in there...well... you understand.

Mike Huckabee? Slight question mark on your actual ancestral home, but you can provide the entertainment,  so if you bring your guitar, we'll let you in. Just don't start singin about fun with guns and babies.
Sarah Palin. Yup. I know what you all are thinking. Don't brains count? No. It's going to be a long party, and while Mike's rockin the stage, we do need some comic relief. Wait. You know what? On second thought, brains do count. Sorry Sarah. Nah. Not sorry. Maybe we'll invite Bristol instead. Could ya maybe babysit for her?
Scott Brown? Yep. You can come. Just don't wear your flip flops.
Mitt Romney: Yep. You can come too. Again, like Scott, please remember the dress code.
Mayor Bloomberg? While you share my own heritage at Ellis island, um, it's a no. Wait. I did say brains count. And those you have. So you can take Sarah's place. And bring that spiderman suit.

And there you have it. What we have here folks is Tea for Four. Mighty small party for such a lot of hot air. Maybe I'll bring a balloon.

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