Attention Tea Baggers! Your New Home Awaits!

Alert: The Tea Baggers are Coming! The Tea Baggers are Coming!

Are you a Tea Bagger? Then Welcome!

Don't miss this exceptional opportunity to own a fabulous 3 year young home in the heart of Tea country. Where Boston Harbour Tea is the beverage of choice. Just imagine getting rid of all those pesky problems you face everyday in the rest of the country.

Too much Water? Flooding? Mudslides? Chlorination? Flouridation? No problem, we don't have any water.

Energy? Well damn. We have no Oil or Gas around here to fight over or cause messy spills (going back to that water thing). We've got Solar, and wind, but don't panic, they make it far too expensive here to use alternative resources.

Jobs? No problem. We have no labor source, at least not an educated one. We've eliminated the migrant farm labor as well. And with Affirmative Action outlawed, WalMart is hiring at accelerated rates! So whether you love to pick cotton or would rather meet and greet those throngs of shoppers your career here can really take off.

English? Again, we've eliminated that pesky bilingual thing by eliminating anyone from a foreign country. And that includes those irritating tourists! Who needs hotel bookings from outsiders when Staycations are far more fun!

Education? Home Schooling is what it is all about here, so you can teach your kids any damn theory you want. No standards here.

Retired? Well this is the land of the snowbirds after all. And because it's so cheap to live here now, you won't have to worry so much when your Social Security disappears. And with a WalMart on every corner, that donut hole won't be so bad. Nothin like a $4 prescription filled by a technician with at LEAST 6 months training to put that swagger back in your step. Or is that stagger?

Love a good barbecue? Imagine eating out on your patio year round with no bugs at all. Well, maybe a few but with no regulation on pesticides, you can live as humans should, bug free.

Love to Ride? Whether by pedal power or engine power, you and your bike rule the road here. Ride wherever the hell you want, however you want. Sure we provide bike lanes, but no need to use them. No helmets necessary. And don't worry about those medical bills when you crash. Here in Arizona we've made Health Insurance unconstitutional. It's cheaper to dig a grave.

Worried about crime? Don't. Everyone here is entitled to carry a gun. Anyone. Yes, anyone. Felony convictions? no problem, without background checks it's just not an issue. Incarcerated? no problem. Our Private Prison fences aren't barbed...too expensive. Gotta cut costs somewhere. Worried about Drug Cartels? Well,  with that new Triple Layer fence you can feel safe and secure. Assuming you armed yourself of course.

Taxes? Pleeeeeease. No need for them. Since it's our INDIVIDUAL responsibility to educate our own kids, protect our own families and pay for anything we need, you know, like health care, we sure don't need no taxes. Remember, this is a tourism state, and we'll let all those tourists pay for it. Oh wait. We just kicked them out. No matter. We've got it covered. We'll just cook the books. Who's gonna know? Or care?

So if you are are among the new breed of patriots, looking for paradise, look no further. Have I got a deal for you.

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