Just call me Rev.

I have made a significant life changing decision and feel there is no better time than now to share it. I have decided to become a virtually ordained minister. Why you might wonder would a Jewish Born non-practicing Unitarian even consider such a step? Because it suits me.

I'm going to now wear the moniker of Reverend Mary Miller, Minister of the Church of the Aqueous Unicorn. Pastor of all who are parched.

First, as to my decision. I am, at heart, a wordsmith. But of late I have found my words seem to have little impact on my friends, family, strangers who happen upon my blog... and I suppose there is a valid reason for that. It's possible I'm a lousy writer. Maybe I just offend people with my opinions. Perhaps I'm a boor. Or a bore. Boor. Bore. Bear. Whatever.

But I have this inexplicable need to have my literary musings actually read by someone. Anyone. I need attention. So I thought what better way to lend importance to my ramblings than with a title that by it's very nature implies wisdom and intellect. My friend Rabbi Steve has lots of readers I'm sure. And while yes, he is a good writer, and he is an actual Rabbi, and has many wise things to say, (he is in fact, a Wise Man) it's not the whole basis for his following. I mean let's face it, he has an entire congregation as his readership, just for starters.

I mean doesn't everything sound somehow more important when the speaker has a title? So why do we have to wait for someone to give us one. Why go through all that tortuous learning of all things religious.   I think we can all give ourselves as many titles as we deem necessary to live a fulfilled life. In my case, Reverend will do very well. Pastor doesn't quite have the right ring. Paaaastor. Or Pastooooor. Nah. Rev it is.

There's more. I'm sick to death of rancor, and rhetoric and right and left and up and down. I want to do something happy. Something meaningful.

I want to be able to say things like "Under the power vested in me by the state of Gourmandaise.... I now pronounce you Hobbit and wife." Or wife and wife. Or Husband and Husband. Or Snail and Mussel.

I want to be the first one called upon to bless the sacred ground of a new treehouse. I want people to stop in the middle of a dispute and say, hey, let's go see what the Reverend says!

I want my words to carry some weight. I want them to have extraordinary powers of influence merely because they were written by me, Rev. Miller. I want to boost my ego into the stratosphere.

I somehow at this point in my life have this insatiable need for a pat on the back. And yes, my husband will provide it when called upon to, but geesh. Come on. It's time my kids started thinking I have some sort of higher authority backing me up. Hebrew National does, why shouldn't I? Since they figured out that the parental job description I so often refer to is bogus, I need some legitimacy! And I want my coworkers to think I possess some innate wisdom that somehow lends credence to everything I tell them. And my siblings. Ooooh yeah. I want them to finally say hey wait! She's not the biggest underachiever in the family anymore.

Point is simple. I want to be heard without having to raise my voice. And in my experience, the only voices that get heard without being raised are those of the proverbial cloth. And grandparents. Since I am not ready to be a grandparent (hear that girls?) I am officially ordaining myself.

May the Aqueous Unicorn offer comfort when my words cannot.
And from this day forward, just call me Rev.