10 stages of facebook

Facebook is an amazing phenomenon. Not because 800 gazillion people are using it. But because it provides a window in the soul of every relationship you've ever had with anyone and absolutely reflects how you live your life.

It begins so simply. Your friend, neighbor, classmate, relative, mom, son, daughter, plumber, butcher says "WHAAT? You're not on facebook? Let's get you signed up!
And your journey begins.

Stage 1. Time Travel
OMG it's that kid behind me from 3rd grade. Must confirm. So excited.... 21 friends! This is so fun!

Stage 2. Getting to know you
I can't believe it's been 40 years. OK. 45. How ARE you? Married? Kids? Job? Remember Tony? Dick? Jane? OMG this is soooo great!

Stage 3. Learning to Creep
Wow. That profile picture is like 10 years old. Maybe I'll check out the other photos. Oh. Timeline. Hey... is that Sheila with Tony? what year is that? 1978? wait a minute. I was dating Tony.... oh well. water under the bridge. wow. those kids are a little prissy looking. Is that a cross on her neck? Barry Manilow? Nirvana? Mutliple Personality disorder? Hold on. Member of the Church of Facebook? oooh. Divorced. Wonder if they cheated on each other? Oh that's sad. Not.

Stage 4. The art of narcissistic dialogue
Shedaddy: Off to soccer then ballet then dinner with my honey. Perfect Day. (Insert song lyrics here)
         Bigmomma: oh sounds lovely, wish my day were like that too. (open mouth insert finger)
            Shedaddy: yes I am sooo lucky. My life is finally perfect. Your turn will come, I'm got you in my prayers!

Editors note: Those would be the FB prayers to Pastor Zuckerburg with an offering of FB credits to make it happen.

Stage 5. Envy
What a prig. Brags about the kids, the dog, the soulmate. ugh. Top of the leaderboard on bejeweled? Must find a new game.

Stage 6. Vengeance
Start posting those photos of Shedaddy from 7th grade with the buck teeth wearing the shirt made in Home Economics.

Stage 7. Regret
Ok. Facebook is just not the answer to all your problems. Not even a few. And asking advice on facebook? Kind of like asking the devil, May I?

Stage 8. Satisfying the urge
Logging in once a week instead of once an hour. Just to see what everyone's up to. Posting... hardly ever.

Stage 9. Awakening
Taking back your life. Joining Zumba at the Y. Making new friends. Ones that walk talk and breathe. That use their actual given names. Taking a class at the community college. Going on hikes. Reading a book. Discovering your spouse didn't leave after all. He's outside with the kids playing ball.

Stage 10. The Breakup
Facebook? Dumped that app ages ago.

I'm the first to admit I'm still in stage 8, entering stage 9. Haven't quite cut the cord yet. And I probably won't either. I enjoy reconnecting in most cases. But I follow a simple rule. If someone annoys the hell out me they don't belong on my facebook. I limit my friends list. Try it. Though there are still a few like those incredibly gnatty ones who alternate between quoting the bible and quoting the lyrics of today' s top download. Daily. I mean seriously people. Get your own words. That's just tacky.

Stock goes up for sale this week people. Will you buy in? Depends. Do you buy FB credits? You'll probably buy stock.

Those of us who believe that allowing them the privilege of selling our souls is enough? We'll put our money elsewhere. I hear MySpace is making a comeback.


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